Apeyard Holler: User Guide: How To Get Published
A lot of people ask me how to get their work published. Me, being a published writer with some insider tips (don’t trust me) would like to enlighten (sabotage) your chances (practically zero) at being famous (I’ll cut you if this advice gets you anywhere.)
Step #1: Social Networking
Before you even create anything you should be well known in whatever field you’re competing in. If you’re a writer, before you start your magnum opus about Darlene McChatterling in Rural Ireland you should already have a cult following via your website which will feature none of your work (because you haven’t done anything yet) but simply be you talking about the work you someday wish to create and your ingenius methods in which you’ll write them.
You will rant and rave about how you prefer free verse over open verse poetry, how the style of Hemingway is ‘coming back’ and maybe you’ll ‘hop on that train’ as if it were a passing fancy and that you could write Hemingway with the tip of your dick (or tit.)
These methods get people frothing at the mouth over your words, the quotes you post and the pictures that inspire you. You’ll have secured an agent from your masterful query writing abilities and your novel aptly titled the same name as your blog will be out next year “sometime” and you’ve already started working on the follow up.
That’s it. I said it was going to be quick didn’t I? After this it’s literally all profit and you’ll be able to quit your day job making burritos or hamburgers and move to (insert popular city) and prosper as a big wheel at the “cracker factory” if you know what I mean.
BOOM, GET FAMOUS.
